Getting to know the children at our visit times is challenging. I want them to get to know me but after this week I will be a memory for them until in 5 months I show back up. It is important to show the social workers and directors and care takers that I can bond with these children and love them and that they can love me/us. They want to see a definite bond growing. A relationship forming and honestly that can be hard to do in just a few hours of visiting. Especially visiting while we are being 'watched'. I learn a lot about each child from watching them interact with their care givers. I learn what is normal for them, how they show true affection and how they behave in a normal everyday setting. Talia greeted me with a huge smile.... at first. She was in her normal room with her pals and her trusted caregivers and here I come! Ok... strange lady from yesterday is here again. Then we went to the visiting room (a bedroom). This is different. She got nervous. My natural inclination is to back off and let her slowly get used to my presence and come to me when she is ready. Normally I would let her watch me and get comfortable with me. But the visit is only two hours long. So I coax and cajole and try to get her to voluntarily come to me. I am encouraged by the staff that she likes children's songs so I sing! I sing 'solo'! I sing silly songs in English to a child and 4 other adults. The child by the way seemed less than impressed and I did not even get a smile for my efforts. Finally I was able to find a toy that interested her and she allowed me to hold her and play with the singing book (yes she did like the singing book.. I won't take that personally). She also enjoyed a talking mirror. I have no doubts that given time she will open up and come to love me but right now it is all strange. Tobias' visits are much different. We are not 'watched' as closely and he is not shy or reserved. If Toni asks him "where is Mama?" he points right at me but I am not sure he knows what that means. He will interact with me but he clearly thinks I have some kind of speech difficulty. Are we bonding? I don't know. I do know that as I learn their personalities I know already that I love them and I know I will LOVE being their Mama! I know we will bond into a great family and I know it will take time. Part of me hopes that they will forget me and go on normally until I can come back and start really bonding with them. Maybe it is not so important to actually 'bond' at this point. Maybe if we can just show a few little indicators that we can someday bond? So tomorrow I will again work to find that sign. That little sprout of affection or acceptance or even just plain tolerance that will grow and blossom into our relationship. And yes if necessary I will sing... again.
Lets see, Jesus loves me... Jesus loves the little children... You are my sunshine... Barney song... I should have downloaded a Wiggles CD to practice!
Your kids are beautiful. I think that is so sweet that you sang.
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